


as the days pass by

by ewatsonia



Category: Asagao Academy: Normal Boots Club
Genre: Depression, Gen, Pre-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 08:11:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18220496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ewatsonia/pseuds/ewatsonia
Summary: Hana stops going to school. The world moves forward. She doesn't.





	as the days pass by

**Author's Note:**

> Felt like doing some emotional introspection into Hana before the start of the game because I could imagine the head space she'd be in pretty well.

Growing up, no matter the reason, there'd always been something relaxing, occasionally even _exciting,_ about missing school to Hana. No work, just laying in bed eating her mom's homemade soup with her little radio playing, or on the couch watching her father work. Even if she was sick, there was that silver lining. The next day she’d be good as new, racing up the steps to school to rejoin the world, full of energy from her impromptu day off.

As Hana got older, when the absences got more frequent, when it was more about not wanting to be at school than being sick, when there was no more homemade soup, the twinge of excitement died. Sometimes she spent the day in her bed, sometimes at her desk to do the make up work that was beginning to pile up, still often with her radio playing that classical station she liked. It remained a relaxing reprieve. It was taking a breather so she'd be back at one hundred percent the next day.

After her friends turned on her, after school became something she feared, the days spent at home begun to overtake the ones where she went to class. Being home was the new normal. Going to school had replaced the absences as the break in schedule. Her grades suffer. She suffers. She dreads going back, would put it off forever if she could. 

Certain things came to pass, things that hurt to repeat even in her head, and she _does_ put it off forever. Now all she knew were the days at home. Now there was not a wisp of excitement, and not even the feeling of being at ease. This is her life now. Laying in bed, staring at the wall. Picking up her phone occasionally, not bothering to cycle through the apps, just flicking between the screens that held them. Back and forth. Back and forth. Days bleeding into each other. Nothing but big, dark thunderclouds.

The radio is silent.

Her dad comes up to check up on her, to coax her into maybe trying to go back to school, or at least to get out of bed. It rarely works and sometimes she even snaps at him for it. Hana crawls out of bed maybe once or twice a day, usually late, when her father’s already gone to sleep because she can’t face him, knows that seeing her up would give him too much hope. She creeps to the kitchen, grabs a snack, and that’s it. That’s her entire world. Not even the rest of the house is a part of it.

And the world around her moves on. Her dad works the shop. She bets all of her ex-friends move on with their lives like she was never a part of it. Like they didn’t do this to her.

 _They didn’t do this alone_ whispers a little voice in her head.

_They hurt you but they didn’t make you stop coming to school. They didn’t make you spend day after day, barely leaving your bed, barely moving. They didn’t make you shut down every attempt your dad makes to get you to be a person again. That’s all you. You did this to yourself._

Hana picks up her phone and swipes aimlessly again, trying to distance the thoughts. Back and forth. Back and forth. The same motions as always.

_Always the same. Always doing the same thing. Never moving forward, just lying here wallowing in self pity._

Hana puts the phone down again. She looks around the room for something that’ll occupy her mind more, let her shove that voice aside, but all she has are some books and her radio. Crossing the room to turn the radio on feels like too much effort, and so does even just reading. She shuts her eyes. Maybe she’ll just sleep instead...can’t overthink when you’re asleep.

The thing is, it’s hard to sleep when you’re overthinking.

 _Just trying to escape your problems, like always. Running away to your room, refusing help at every turn. Poor dad, having to put up with a useless freeloader like you that won’t better herself, won’t even get out of bed because oh, it’s_ **_too hard._ **

Tears trickle out of Hana’s eyes, soaking into her pillow because she knows it’s true. Her dad deserves better than her. She’s not even sure if he’s checked up on her today because she can barely tell what day it is anymore. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe it’s so obvious that she doesn’t care that he’s stopped caring too.

_He’d be right to._

Everyone else did.

Hana’s friends did, they always do, she realizes. Not just her high school friends that turned on her. Through the haze of her amnesia she can still remember a boy she was close with. A boy that never bothered with even a letter once he moved away. He’d been her best friend, but obviously she hadn’t been his.

Hana’s mark on the world was not making one. Hana was disposable. Something to be put up with for a few years if she was lucky, then tossed away like a dirty napkin, if that. Really, she was more like those terrible brown paper towels they put in the bathrooms that smelled weird and could barely absorb water.

_You’re useless. You contribute nothing to to the world, if anything you’re just a drain on it. You don’t matter._

She was tired of this. Always this. Feeling so helpless but doing nothing to get help. Hopeless and refusing anything that could give her hope. Hana was so, so tired of herself.

If getting rid of herself wasn’t too much effort, she’s pretty sure she would’ve done it already. Instead she just keeps laying her, wishing she could just drift away, that her problems would be taken care of for her. Wishing that one day when she closes her eyes she won’t wake up,

Eyes shutting, Hana pulls the blanket up over her head.

_Here’s hoping._


End file.
